chernyy | ic inbox;

rumlow's here. did you see?

[ It comes after almost half an hour has passed. ]

Yes.

he seems to be anti-hydra now.

but i don't trust him.

I know. I questioned him personally.

If he's lying, it's very convincing.

i don't care if he's telling the truth or not.

he was decent enough when he was working with hydra.

i still don't trust him.

You obviously do care if you don't trust him.

ok fine it's personal. i know that. hydra fucked me over and i can't fucking look at him or listen to him or anything without seeing hydra. part of me just wants to track him down and beat the shit out of him.

but that's not going to solve anything.

but i also don't trust myself not to rip him to shreds if i happen to have a bad day and run into him.

can you

and i know this a lot to ask and you don't trust me or like me and that's fine

but i'm asking you to stop me, if that happens. get bruce to help you if you need it.

i don't want to hurt anyone but i don't trust myself to remember that if it gets bad.

I can trust myself because I want my incentive too much to risk losing it. If you want to stay here, you need to find your self-control. And if you can't, I'll let Bruce know.

And it's not that I don't like you. I barely know you. But I know what was done to you and I know you're important to Steve. I will help you if I can.

[There's a long pause before he responds. Five minutes.]

thank you.

Don't thank me yet.

Just try to take it easy. Deep breaths, yoga, meditation, whatever.

i have been.

i was doing okay. better.

but hydra made me to be a killer and i'm not sure i can ever completely get away from that.

I was made to be one and I got away from it. You can, too.

how long is it going to take?

seventy years doesn't just go away.

i was doing okay here because i didn't have a constant reminder of myself in my face except for what my own brain fed me.

but now he's here and it doesn't matter what his intentions are, all i see when i look at him is going to be what they did to me.

It took time for them to do what they did, it will take time to move beyond it.

You have to decide whether you are stronger than them or not. Whether you want to live a life beyond what they did to you or not.

I remember every day what has been done to me and what I did. I was reminded of it constantly. I live with it. I don't let it rule over me.

i'm trying

i've been trying every single goddamn day since i got here

i wasnt strong enough before what if ill never be strong enough

Keep trying.

You never will be if you keep telling yourself you won't.

[ Russian tough love, Bucky. ]

[Well that's what he needs right now.

It's another long pause before he manages to respond again.]

ok

[ She leaves it at that, not having anything else to say on the matter.

For now, at least. ]

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